my soul is hungry..

Ever had a song sing to your soul? Ever had nature take your breath away? Ever laugh so hard or so much that when you were done, your soul felt refreshed?

If you have had the pleasure of experiencing these “soul-maintainers” and to actually be in tune with yourself enough to be aware of the things in life that caters to your soul, then you can very much understand needing and wanting your soul catered to on a regular basis.

I am at point in my life where the man in my life does not SING to my soul. Our conversations are semi-stimulating, our laughs are for the moment, and his thoughts go no further than around the 1st corner up ahead.

Now, before I go any further, I have to give my man props where props is due. He is a GREAT father! And I unfortunately must stop there. (no, I’m sorry, he IS a GREAT LOVER!) Now, just like every person on this earth, you are who you are because of your up-bringing, experiences in life, decisions made, lessons learned. With that being said, I do not blame him or fault him for being the way he is because it is the make-up of his life, IT IS HIM.(and who am I to judge and he is who I chose) I have learned to accept him for him but at the same time call him out on the ways about him that are FUCKED UP or just need some evaluating. I expect him to do the same with me. That’s how 2 people learn and grow from each other. I must admit it is sometimes a task because he almost immediately goes in defense mode, not realizing it is constructive criticism and if I really had a problem with him/it, I would not still be with him, no matter how many kids we have together.

So, without going into the long story of how I ended up with this man, it basically boils down to wanting what I wanted versus wanting what THE ALMIGHTY had planned for me. Funny how HE lets us have our way knowing that it was not what HE had planned for us. Kind of like when your child keeps trying to touch something hot and you keep telling him “ah ah, no no, HOT.” But he continues to reach for it, so you let him.

SO HE LET ME! And I accept the decision I made!! So what’s the problem? The problem is, my MIND and my SOUL want to cheat! Now, let me break this down. I have found the solution to the problem at hand, but see it is the results of the solution that is getting at me. I have found a way to cater to my mind and my soul. I have found topics, books, songs, etc., that have enlightened me and awakened my curiousity and hunger for knowledge. But then, I would like to share, discuss, converse about the things I’ve learned or read or believe. Ya know!? But discussing anything with him is like talking to a child. And no I am not calling him a child. He has sense, he has common sense, street smarts, book smarts.. but lacks the very things needed to sing to MY soul. But yet I love him. And I just have this feeling that over the years, the love I feel for him will be solely because he is the father of my sons and no longer because I am in love with him and everything about him, and that scares me because I KNOW he loves me and I would never want to hurt him but at the same time if my soul is not getting what it needs, it will surely DIE. (adapt or even disappear) And none of these things I am willing or wanting to happen to MY soul. I love ME and who I am and I especially love MY SOUL and what makes my soul happy.

Badu put it best.. “my soul flies free like a willow tree…” song: Appletree

ALMIGHTY FATHER, you have created me unique to anyone else on this earth and I thank you. I ask that you forgive me for leaning to my own understanding, forgive me for not waiting on You Lord. Help me handle the repercussions of my choices FATHER. Help me to not act on my own selfish choices again FATHER! Help me always be aware of the persons affected when making any kind of decisions in life LORD. I thank you for my family LORD and ask that you bless them and bless those persons and families with much more critical situations than this LORD. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU FATHER! And I thank you! In Jesus name, AMEN!

….to be continued