my soul is hungry..

Ever had a song sing to your soul? Ever had nature take your breath away? Ever laugh so hard or so much that when you were done, your soul felt refreshed?

If you have had the pleasure of experiencing these “soul-maintainers” and to actually be in tune with yourself enough to be aware of the things in life that caters to your soul, then you can very much understand needing and wanting your soul catered to on a regular basis.

I am at point in my life where the man in my life does not SING to my soul. Our conversations are semi-stimulating, our laughs are for the moment, and his thoughts go no further than around the 1st corner up ahead.

Now, before I go any further, I have to give my man props where props is due. He is a GREAT father! And I unfortunately must stop there. (no, I’m sorry, he IS a GREAT LOVER!) Now, just like every person on this earth, you are who you are because of your up-bringing, experiences in life, decisions made, lessons learned. With that being said, I do not blame him or fault him for being the way he is because it is the make-up of his life, IT IS HIM.(and who am I to judge and he is who I chose) I have learned to accept him for him but at the same time call him out on the ways about him that are FUCKED UP or just need some evaluating. I expect him to do the same with me. That’s how 2 people learn and grow from each other. I must admit it is sometimes a task because he almost immediately goes in defense mode, not realizing it is constructive criticism and if I really had a problem with him/it, I would not still be with him, no matter how many kids we have together.

So, without going into the long story of how I ended up with this man, it basically boils down to wanting what I wanted versus wanting what THE ALMIGHTY had planned for me. Funny how HE lets us have our way knowing that it was not what HE had planned for us. Kind of like when your child keeps trying to touch something hot and you keep telling him “ah ah, no no, HOT.” But he continues to reach for it, so you let him.

SO HE LET ME! And I accept the decision I made!! So what’s the problem? The problem is, my MIND and my SOUL want to cheat! Now, let me break this down. I have found the solution to the problem at hand, but see it is the results of the solution that is getting at me. I have found a way to cater to my mind and my soul. I have found topics, books, songs, etc., that have enlightened me and awakened my curiousity and hunger for knowledge. But then, I would like to share, discuss, converse about the things I’ve learned or read or believe. Ya know!? But discussing anything with him is like talking to a child. And no I am not calling him a child. He has sense, he has common sense, street smarts, book smarts.. but lacks the very things needed to sing to MY soul. But yet I love him. And I just have this feeling that over the years, the love I feel for him will be solely because he is the father of my sons and no longer because I am in love with him and everything about him, and that scares me because I KNOW he loves me and I would never want to hurt him but at the same time if my soul is not getting what it needs, it will surely DIE. (adapt or even disappear) And none of these things I am willing or wanting to happen to MY soul. I love ME and who I am and I especially love MY SOUL and what makes my soul happy.

Badu put it best.. “my soul flies free like a willow tree…” song: Appletree

ALMIGHTY FATHER, you have created me unique to anyone else on this earth and I thank you. I ask that you forgive me for leaning to my own understanding, forgive me for not waiting on You Lord. Help me handle the repercussions of my choices FATHER. Help me to not act on my own selfish choices again FATHER! Help me always be aware of the persons affected when making any kind of decisions in life LORD. I thank you for my family LORD and ask that you bless them and bless those persons and families with much more critical situations than this LORD. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU FATHER! And I thank you! In Jesus name, AMEN!

….to be continued

last hour of work.. pick a birthday cake up.. start cooking

5.24 pm CT ..countdown to the end of the work day which sucks because i still have so much to do.. yes thankfully we're off tomorrow but i will be up all night getting Thanksgiving dinner started.. i still have to go the grocery store to pick up some misc things i forgot and a Birthday cake for my little one...

yes, today is his 1st birthday and mommy is stuck at work at 5.26p...BLAH!! granted, it is only his 1st brthday and a big fuss doesn't need to be made but i'm such a sapp and would have love to spent the whole day with him, taking pictures, video recording him, singing, laughing and playing.. guess thats the advantage of being a "stay at home mommy"....

so, after all the running around if done, i still have to start the cooking.. which in the past years i had no problem of jumping right in.. but this year.. i'm not so thrilled.. 1. because this is my 6th year of NOT spending it with my mom and sister or my dad, his wife and step-brothers/sister.. and 2. because the man in my life, father to my sons, the man i love, can be a complete and total ASSHOLE.. no need to get into why BUT, he doesn't realize that the mood i am in when i am cooking is going to be what HE tastes.. the love that is put into the cooking will be specifically for my babies... oh and company.. LOL

so, i am going to make sure i stop by the liquor store(crazy cuz i'm not a big drinker but it seems to be on my mind) soooo

officially 6.00pm CT...yeah i had to take some calls in btwn there..

what's your weather forecast

So, i woke up to a winter wonderland this morning ...

...ALREADY?! dang, i was NOT ready.. i heard on the news last night of a "snow mixture" starting at about midnight, but was not expecting so much... granted it's no more than about 3 inches but still! to move around in this mess is agitating and just plain old draining...i've lived here in Milwaukee for 6 years and this winter will be my seventh one and i can honestly and truthfully say i am not used to it..don't think i ever will... i know that i have to be 1st to pull out our scarves, gloves, hats and thicker coats than the rest of Mil-town.. it amazes me to see how the natives of the city are immune to "the HAWK"... lol.. yes the "HAWK".... this cold front, like a HAWK, swoops down on the city, entraps it in its talons while it flies threw the Artic at 160mph…LOL

So.. Mil-town can officially declare it winter around these parts.. a little surprising on how early the snow came but then again.. no I’m not, I live in MILWAUKEE!

Stay warm, drink hot chocolate and if able…make snow angels!!

Mommy... is the food done yet?

so, my 5 year old son is good for coming in the kitchen while i am cooking to check the progress.. it is the most nerve wrecking thing to me.. especially since he just came down, literally, 5 mins ago.. "mommy... is the food done yet?"..

.. "didn't i tell you i would call you when it's done..!!"



but the results of a satisfied tummy ...and "that was good mommy"..is the best ever..

Note: no meat left on the bone and almost no kernels..LOL

I love my little man!

Pet Peeves.... what's yours??

Ok...so i'm bout to end this long drawn out day and have to take my last trip to the ladies room.. no one is there as i enter so i have my choice of stalls and decide to take the very last one(as i always do..) begin to do my thang..(tinkle tinkle) and in comes another lady needing to use the restroom... being that she is the second person in the restroom, she has many choices of stalls to choose from...WHICH STALL DOES SHE DECIDE TO USE???? the one next ME!!!

Now granted, i'm bout done, and was only doing #1(lol)... but dang it... you have about 6 other stalls to choose from and you want pee(or whatever) next to me.. i don't want to hear all that.. LOL.. i know.. a bit looney..but it's always been a Pet Peeve... What's Urs?

At What Point... ??

Me and my honey were watching a show on cable last night, Livin the Low Life with Vida Guerra. Some of you will be familiar but if your not, it’s a car show that looks at the lowriding culture from showing the types of lowriders, to the painters, builders, etc. And believe you me, there are some HOT cars on that show.(and Vida’s not bad to look at either, somedays…LOL)

Now, I’m an old school kinda gal.. something about a classic hotrod that just turns a sista on.. BUT not the fully decked out, rimmed out, cycadelic paint job types…but classy, restored, basic, one color paint or even candy painted…and nothing is wrong with rims it’s just getting a little ridiculous now-a-days.. to sum it all up…NOTHING TOO FLASHY..

But, back to the point of this blog.. in watching this show, you see some really slick cars and creative designs.. and of course the insides are decked out with DVD’s, a music system, and sometimes even a gaming system.. (you’d see that more so on the other car show Unique Cars) .. but me and my honey got to talking and he stated he’s seen a car with TV’s on the outside of the car.. on the doors!!!! Ok, let me repeat that! TV’s on the outside of the car doors….WTF!?!

Now, I’m quite an emotional, passionate person with certain subjects and when he described this car to me, and I’m picturing this car rolling around town, I find myself shaking my head and wondering at what point in HISTORY, in LIFE did we CREATE this NEED to be flashy, showing off, and “mine is better than yours..”? I ask this completely being aware of the fact that everyone likes to have nice things and everyone likes to be able to show their hard work has paid off. BUT DAMN!

So the more and more I tried to determine where in history WE adopted this way of living/thinking, the more my heart began to hurt..SILLY?, I suppose but I feel deeply about OUR PEOPLE and OUR POTENTIAL GREATNESS that witnessing some of the ignorant things we do, just hurts my heart and angers me at times.

So, what do you think? When did we become this way? What will break us from it? Just inquiring…

Awwwww.. a clean house

...just finished up cleaning .. i'm fresh out the shower and the house smells and looks good..

nothing else to do but cook dinner and relax...
these weekend aren't long enough :0(

Sunday Morning Breakfast.. Ur invited!

Good Morning All..
this blog is inspired by mr.socialight and his blog Breakkfast Vol. 1..

i mentioned cooking breakfast is always a weekend thang.. with getting everyone ready including yourself , it's impossible to get a cooked breakfast m-f.. so it is definitely my pleasure to be able to make breakfast for my family on the weekend..

what's for breakfast you ask?...
cheese eggs, grits, bacon(no not turkey bacon, myfamily is not that health conscious) and sausage with some toast... oh yeah and a big glass of orange juice...

God is great, God is good....time to eat!

what's for breakfast for you and yours?

Should I stay...should I go?

The normal weekend routine, of washing and folding clothes.. dusting.. sweeping.. mopping and just cleaning has all been completed..
.. or should I say.. “all I plan to do for the day..”

.. the boys are outside.. and THEIR FATHER, sleep..
..see today he’s just “their father” and not my MAN.. or my BABY… my HONEY..
..see there’s been some tension between us two,
..different things here and there but mainly regarding money issues..
.. there’s been lack of attention… loss of affection and lately, I’ve just been having a wondering eye..

.. now..there’s nothing wrong with having that wondering eye..
..but here is where the problem lies..
.. an old fling of mine.. has taken the time.. to infiltrate MY mind..
.. slowly but surely trying to undermine..
..the belief that IS or maybe WAS… that maintained the monogamy between my MAN and I..

… and I’m quite tempted folks to go against ALL that I believe..
.. for SEVERAL hours of pleasure I know I WILL receive..
.. cuz from my MAN I am unable to retrieve..
.. and DAMMIT…talking about it .. we NEVER agree..
.. and just like in the past.. nothing is EVER achieved..

.. so NOW.. I sit here ..skin so soft.. powder fresh..
.. DAMN I smell good..
.. sitting.. wondering.. pondering..
… if I could.. if I should..
.. let this “fling” do his thing and have his way with every part of me ..
… I grab my purse, where are my keys…
.. conscience of mine….PLEASE, let me be!

.. I want to go .. I NEED to leave
.. FORGET being a good girl…FUCK integrity..
.. I want to be tongued downed…
.. licked up.. flipped over and F**KED!
.. wheeeww!!! Excuse my language …

.. so… I slip my sandals on.. toe nails freshly painted..
… some time has passed so my friend and I will need to get reacquainted..
… grabbed a pen, grabbed a paper … and simply wrote.. “doing some running around… call me if you need me.. Later.. Nummie”

.. I put on my BIG framed, BIG shades for BIG faces…
… take one more look in the mirror, fluff the curls in my hair..
… turn the corner to head for the door.. and I’ll be damned..
.. little men meet me head on with a stare..
.. “where you going, mommy?” .. lying to them?.. do I dare?
.. just a little fib to get away .. especially since a chance like this is rare..
.. do I act selfishly… do I dare?.. or stay and what’s broken, try to repair..
.. DO I DARE??
… should I stay.. or should I go.. ??

… I finally answer.. “going to the store.. you guys wanna go…?”

How important is sex in a relationship?

Now I know that different people require a different level of affection, cuddling, kissing, and sex, so the answer to this will vary. But lets say from the beginning of your relationship, sex, cuddling and just touching has been a consistent practice from both you and your partner. Years later, kids later, arguments, laughs and cries later.. would you expect the level of intimacy to be at the same level or at least near that level?

Another version of the question: If everything with your mate is perfect(well almost perfect being that no one is perfect) but the sexual intensity, the fire, the passion is not there, would you, could you continue to build a relationship with him/her? And…and.. is that shallow to even ponder the thought? Hmmmmmmm…. Let me know what ya thinking! Women and Men

random thoughts...

a couple of thoughts.. I LOVE talking with my now 5 year old son.. now.. I must admit…there are days when he wears me out with all his convo.. but it’s a joyous feeling to witness your offspring growing and developing… to see how they grasp things and their point of view on things..
… June 14 was Jayden Nacir's 5th birthday… my baby is not a baby anymore…and yes I know, he hasn’t been for quite some time… but we are so blessed to have a healthy, smart, thoughtful, innovative young man..
Thank you Father…Almighty Creator.. for such a blessing…

And... I CAN wait, but at the same time CANNOT wait until my lil one, Talin Christian, 11 1/2 months, begins to develop his little personality.. i take that back.. his BIG personality which he's already showing... Thank you Father for my blessings!

Out of my Element

Ok...about a week after the event... but i had to share the thought..

Not last week but the week before, that was mine and a girlfriends birthday.. (hers on the 1st and mine actually was monday, the 3rd)... we decide to go out to celebrate..

Now it's been a minute since i've been out.. to the club that is.. after becoming a mommy, the nightlife consist of reading bed stories, watching G movies, coloring, etc.. (oh, and once their sleep, enjoying my honey in our "US TIME")... so, we decide to go to this Gentlemen's Club on the southside of Milwaukee called The Airport Lounge.. it was ladies night and they had a handful of male strippers and i had never been before.. i must say i rather enjoyed myself.... not all of the men were up to par and i think i might have enjoyed myself more watching the women...BUT... i digress...

After the show, we decide to head back into the city to a club called the Onxy... now my girl warned before we went and actually gave me some choices detailing the difference in atmospheres... but for whatever reason i chose the Onxy once remembering how "crunk" i used to get at the club, not being able to get me off the dance floor.. it's a nice crowd once we get there.. not too many but enough.. we sat down for a minute before getting a drink... after awhile...and after my high had come down.. i was amazed at how out of my element i felt.. not that i was the oldest chick in the club... BUT definetly felt like it... see i'm not a big "get silly" wit it, ying yang twins, lil boosie type of gal... don't get me wrong, i'm not ALL neo soul... i do like an occassional track from lil wayne, yung joc and dem...LOL but this was a non-stop night of "gone an shake that azz" ... "get silly" ... etc..

Have i gotten that old that now "them young kids music" is starting to sound like garbage to me..LOL ... i know plenty of people that love that music that enjoy that music and they are around my age.. late twenties..

I don't know what it was... it was strange but at the same time if felt good to know myself in that way.. knowing that i'm getting older and some things are no longer that amusing/interesting, felt good to know ...

So with all that said.. it may be a long time, if at all, before i go out to the club again.. unless i can locate me a bar/club that plays neo soul with a mix of some mainstream hip hop(ya know the stuff on the radio, i.e, stuntin is a habit, so fly, etc.), with big plush pillows and big coffee tables, inscents burning.. (and if it was legal, a little Mota in the air-- Amsterdam for sure), i probably won't be doing too much of the "going out " thang...

Growing Older Gracefully

28 Today, 30 Around the Corner

LIVIN and LUVIN life, BLESSED to see another birthday! Today is my birthday and I LOVE when it comes around. One, for THANKFULLY being able to see another birthday and two, for the whole day(even week, if I choose) being ALL about ME!!

Being a mother of two little mens, and wifey to their father, not to mention being totally and utterly domesticated, rarely gives me the time for myself. BUT, one day a year(and some misc ones I may throw in there…lol) I can “toot my own horn,” I can make it about ME!

I am officially 28 years old with 30 right around the corner. I’ve never been the type to dread getting older and in fact have always embraced it. It’s almost like starting over. Some people use the New Year to break old habits or begin new ones, but I prefer using my birthday. A year older than I was before, God willing a year wiser… being able to learn from the mistakes made over the last year or even years before…knowing more about yourself than you did before, more about life and people than you did before… carrying yourself and handling yourself, life, love & family in an OLDER/WISER manner..

Now, I must be honest and admit, I am not where I imagined I would be at this point in my life, BUT, I have accepted the decisions I have made… the paths I have chosen…later knowing and understanding that God already had a plan for me but allowed me to lean to my own understanding and my own wants, therefore not allowing myself to receive blessings through HIS will… I could dwell on “if I would have done this when I was 17…” or “if I hadn’t done that when I was 22, I’d have this that or the other…etc.” You get my point. But if I spend all my time thinking about the past and bad decisions, I could never focus on my present and my good decisions.

I’m still working on my relationship with God and pray that The Almighty does not give up on me. Like Mary Mary sings, “I got to get my self together cuz I got some place to go and I’m prayin when I get there I’ll see everyone I know… I wanna go.. to Heaven… Heaven..”

On that Note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL YOU NOVEMBER BABIES! And remember, celebrating another birthday is a blessing!